Dear Expectant One,
If you are considering an abortion, I can certainly relate to what you are going through. When I was 23 years old, I found myself in a crisis pregnancy. Even though I was pro-choice at the time, I never thought that I personally would get an abortion. I was in a rebound relationship and already very emotionally unstable. However, I still believed that everything would work out okay when I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant. I was TOTALLY unprepared for his reaction. He was unwilling to consider anything but abortion. I felt all alone, scared, rushed, and desperate.
I went to my doctor and he suggested abortion as well. I had gone through a surgical procedure a couple of months before and had no idea that I was pregnant at that time. The doctor told me that the baby would probably be deformed because of the anesthesia given to me during surgery. (There were no tests done to confirm that, only an opinion given) I now know that women have surgery during pregnancy and go on to have healthy babies. Instead of researching the facts about my options and making an informed decision, I let fear and despair dictate my choice.
What I know now that I didn't know then, is that my baby was NOT a piece of tissue. I had the abortion at 8 weeks, and at that time her heart had been beating for one month, her brain waves were measurable, she could feel pain and respond to touch, suck her thumb, and grasp objects if placed in her hand. Her elbows and fingers could have been seen, and she could "swim" around in my womb. I often wonder if I would have changed my mind if an ultrasound had been performed. I'd like to think that I would have. I did NOT find abortion to be a quick fix for my crisis. It just added a heartbreaking mistake to an already bad situation.
Abortion is a permanent choice and can never be reversed. Ending my baby's life did not change the fact that I was still a mother and would always be her mother. I have three living children, but I am still a mother of four. Because of the mental, emotional, and spiritual anguish I went through after my abortion, I share my story with anyone who will listen in the hope that they will not make the same mistake. For years I defined my life in terms of before and after I got on that table. I would replay it in my mind as if somehow it would turn out differently this time and I would come to myself and run out of that clinic. I even tried to lie to myself and referred to the abortion as the baby I "lost." I would never admit to abortion on any medical forms that I filled out.
One reason that it is so hard for a woman to move out of denial and into healing is that we try to "stuff" the abortion experience instead of letting the pain, regret, guilt, and sorrow surface so we can get it up and out. I suffered silently for 23 years before getting help. I became a Christian eight years after my abortion and I knew that God had forgiven me, but I was unable to forgive myself and let go of the shame and regret. I went through a post abortion healing group in 2003 and the Lord has burned it in my heart ever since to tell my story of His grace and mercy as often as I can. If you feel trapped in a crisis pregnancy and don't know what to do or where to turn, I would love to talk with you.
Even though it's been over 30 years since my abortion, I remember well the feelings of panic and desperation. You can contact me at the phone number and e-mail address listed below, or you can complete the contact form on our website. If you prefer a more casual setting than an office, I would be happy to meet with you at Starbucks. (I love their hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies!) It is my heart that you will contact me so that we can share our stories. I believe that we have much to offer each other. Most importantly, know that you are important to the Lord and He will move heaven and earth to rescue your heart.